Bear Grylls

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I often ask myself if  Bear Grylls’ family all take a sharp intake of breath and roll their eyes if he ever mentions that he’d like to take them on a picnic! I bet they can’t wait for him to go on his worldwide travels, ALONE!

I have never been one for all that eating of live grubs and sorting through the dung from a Warthog for something which will help keep my vitamin c levels up if I ever find myself stranded in the middle of nowhere. What on earth possesses anyone to want to do this sort of thing? If it meant the difference between life or death that I eat a giant fly ridden lump of steaming crap freshly dumped from a roaming Bison, then I think I’d rather die!

On a rare occasion the other day, I watched one of the episodes of his marauding around a swamp like forest complete with deep caves in darkest Alalbama, in the US. He was up to his waist in swampness and other stuff, and he kept saying things like, “Come on, we’ve got to keep moving” or “There’s giant Anaconda snakes in here, keep your eyes peeled.” He’s obviously talking direct to camera, which is operated by a cameraman who is either being paid a huge sum of money or is as bonkers as himself! Imagine you’re in a team of cameramen who get selected for different jobs. “Hey, I’ve been chosen by David Attenborough this week, I’m off to Borneo for a couple of months” or “I’ve been selected to go to Australia to film I’m a Celebrity, what a great time I’m going to have” or even “Hey, I’m off to the Med to film Location, Location” but not “Oh  s**t, I’ve got Bear Grylls!”

Anyway, this TV show of his I happened to see, showed him down a cave, total darkness and only the sound of dripping water from above. He did something whereby he made a light by rolling up the intestines of some poor creature and wrapping them around a baseball bat shaped piece of wood. “These guts are great for providing light in the darkest of places.” Really? That’s when he came across a ledge and on it, minding its own business was a grasshopper looking kind of thing. Picture this, the place is usually in total darkness, you find your happy spot and sit there thinking this must be the safest spot in the world, 250 feet below ground, not a soul in the world, ha, this is the life………. then Bear Grylls turn up with his flaming bat, picks you up and shoves you straight in his mouth!! “You have to eat these things whenever you can find them, they’re full of protein”. I think it’s cruel.

Back outside on the edge of the swamp which is now miraculously on fire, any normal person would head the other way, away from the flames. I know if I was his cameraman, it would have been “Oy, here’s your camera, I’m off!” They both went back into this hell-hole and waded and coughed and waded a bit more, then coughed again until the smoke got that thick you couldn’t see a thing. I’d really had more than enough by then, and Coronation Street was about to start on ITV, so that was that and I switched him off.

I really don’t understand what we find so fascinating about the man, eating grubs, catching snakes and biting off their heads or anything that most people will find revolting. I bet when the filming stops, he’s off to his 5 star hotel and a Michelin style restaurant. I bet he has beans on toast too!

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Bear Grylls

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